North Pole; Cobra Command- Americans have recently taken to the airwaves, yearning for more health care benefits, less crippling hospital bills and medical costs, etc. But what you are about to read may change your outlook, and you just may be grateful for it. We secretly met with a few soldiers that were employed by the Cobra Command in the North Pole to hear what they thought about it. One younger soldier, and an older one who went by the moniker “Venom.”
As we spoke to Venom what he thought about President Obama’s stance on health care he let loose a large belly laugh befitting of a large bear that smoked 4 packs a day, “Heh, they whine an moan, those Americans, why, because they don’t have free hospitals? Sheeeyit, how would you like to go to a hospital up here at Cobra Command? I don’t think you would, because they don’t fucking exist.” When asked to elaborate on this the younger of the two replied, “You cut yourself, they off you. Get shot? They off you. Break a bone? They off you. I swear to God we all have to be Cal fucking Ripken to stay alive up here.”
Then we asked them about the health risks of working at Cobra Command and this time Venom did not chuckle like a retarded wildebeest. “Let me ask you this, at what job in this world are you on the clock 24/7, can be killed at anytime by either Marines in super-tech spacesuits with arms that shoot missiles, or by your sick fuck of a boss Cobra Commander who just stalks around like a mobile Dr. Strangelove all fucking day? Let me answer that for you, there is only one, and I’m fucking here.”
At this the younger of the two chipped in, “You think we ever get vacation here? Fuck no, (He then said this in a mocking tone) We can’t fucking go anywhere because Mr. Big Shit Cobra Fucking Commander has to keep his MASSIVE UNDERGROUND ICE FORTRESS A SECRET!! Are you serious about this? Have you seen it? How could you not, it’s a fucking testament to giant retarded architecture! I mean, did fucking Cobra Commander just play Bioshock and say “There! That’s what I want to live in, only in ICE!” And where are the Joe’s located? I don’t know, inside a fucking sand dune or something, yeah that’s smart, except for this minor detail, WHAT THE FUCK EVER HAPPENS IN EGYPT THAT YOU WOULD WANT YOUR HEADQUARTERS THERE?!”
So then I asked the two soldiers if they hated Cobra Command so much, why did they continue to work there, at this, Venom grew red in the face. “Well, let’s face it, the Cobra logo is super badass. I mean, have you guys seen the pro-shop they got on the 3rd floor? Amazing. Cobra golf clubs, bats, machetes, basically anything that is cool, can be made even cooler by putting the Cobra logo on top of it, look, check out this beer cozie! As Venom lifted up his Budweiser wrapped in cheap foam to insulate it, I couldn’t help but become envious.
At this point, I, Tyler McDonald-Ahem, Viper Eyes, joined the Cobra Command, and implore you, lame ass, weak-willed Americans, to sack up, and move to the North Pole with us, so that you too may enjoy the Cobra logo pasted all over shotglasses and ashtrays and such, in the name of awesomeness. And if you decline, we will kill you! Not right away of course, but I’m sure at some point Cobra Commander will come up with something that will do you all in at one fell swoop. I don’t mean to give out secrets, but there has been talk of launching a nuclear warhead that when landed, will burn a Cobra logo into the Earth, at such a magnitude you could see it from space. Hey, maybe you just maybe get free health care, and then the Cobra fucking scorches and turns your cities to ash. If you ask me, I think in that case we would have a decent health care system.