Led Zeppelin Might Have 3 Good Songs, Maybe

Led Zeppelin
I feel like Barry in Resident Evil right now, “Jill, take…a look…at this!”
Speaking about the tremendous commercial success of GUNS N’ ROSES’ classic first album, “Appetite For Destruction”, which is said to be the biggest-selling debut LP of the Eighties and the biggest hard-rock game-changer since “Led Zeppelin IV”

 

There is so much wrong with that one sentence.  I got this off an article on Blabbermouth.net which is pretty much a website dedicated to the ex-drummer from Dream Theater bitching about something, and various members of Kiss taking pot shots at each other while making assholes of themselves, but at least Ace in kind of funny.  Also, there’s two Queensryche’s.  I’m not sure why but apparently that’s really important on Blabbermouth.

Anyway, I read this today and it really set me off.  Did this writer really go up to Slash and say “Mr. Slash, I’d like to speak with you about the tremendous commercial success of Guns N’ Roses’ classic first album!”  I feel so sorry for Slash.  All the guy did was fucking rock out, drink a ton of Jack Daniels, and shoot heroin.  Now he’s got music nerds coming up to him who write terrible articles where they invoke Led Zeppelin like they’re something sacred to behold.  Like, whoa, I just used Guns N’ Roses and Led Zeppelin in the same sentence, you’ve really made it now!

Except Guns N’ Roses is ten times better and a hundred times cooler than Led Zeppelin.  Let me tell you about Led Zeppelin, Robert Plant is a terrible singer.  He moans around on stage and people say, “wow, that’s one of the best singers ever.”  Not even, there are a hundred better singers than Robert Plant.  He has a little bird voice, you sit there listening to this band and hear, “Whoa Ohhh!  Wooo Ohhh OOOHHH!”  That’s how Robert Plant sings.

Let’s talk about “The Lemon Song.”  There is perhaps the absolutely worst song ever wrtten.  There’s a part that happens somewhere in the middle where plant goes, “Squeeze my lemon, Baby, till the Juuuuuice, runs down my leg.”  That is the worst lyric in the history of rock n’ roll.  Every time I hear it I’m disgusted.  To add insult to injury I was at a bar once and a guy sang that part out loud and didn’t seem embarrassed at all.  For shame.

Then you get these John Bonham blowhards who would have you believe the man was god’s gift to drumming.  And maybe he is.  The point is if you listen to Led Zeppelin and focus on the drumming you can barely hear it because it’s always buried in the mix.  I literally don’t know how good of a drummer he is because all I hear is a bunch of cymbals crashing around.
And Jimmy Page.  Dear Lord, this guy actually was game to reunite this band at the age of 70.  He still wants to do it.  He actually wants to get the guys together and play their awful blues ripoff songs.  At least Plant understands how ridiculous that would be and refuses to do it.  By the way, I say blues ripoff songs because they were sued and lost to Willie Dixon who was ripped off by them.  It happened, that’s not just a thing I said.  Also, now there’s another band suing them because the whole intro to “Stairway to Heaven” is also a ripoff.  You can go to youtube and listen to it.

John Paul Jones is the bass player and I’m sure he’s fine.  He’s probably a really decent guy.  And he didn’t even do anything offensive or get invited to the Page and Plant snorefest that was “Walking into Clarksdale.”  So I thought he might be the cool one.  But then he participated in Them Crooked Vultures, which might be the shittiest rock album I’ve ever heard.  I mean, they might actually be worse than Chickenfoot.  I think they are worse.

I remember watching the vaunted “Song Remains the Same” and as far as I’m concerned the whole thing was a two hour guitar solo by Jimmy Page that cut away to hilarious footage of a wizard out on a mountain sometimes.  If you want to see the best rock video ever, go watch Deep Purple Live In Concert 72/73.  Everything about Deep Purple is a way better than Led Zeppelin.  They wrote better songs, they were all better musicians, and they fucking rocked.

I mean, Rolling Stone magazine basically exists to talk about how fucking great Led Zeppelin is.  Zep is a band who had the critics eating out of the palm of their hand.  I’ve heard that magazine talk about “Achille’s Last Stand” like it was a great song, and not a total ripoff of Rush.  Led Zeppelin is so fucking lame, they ripped off Rush.

Then you get into Jimmy Page talking about how if they had continued into the eighties they “would have been heavier.”  No.  That is not true.  If Led Zeppelin had continued into the eighties you better believe they would have made fools of themselves.  They would have done a terrible song with Michael Jackson.  They would have hired Desmond Child to write an album for them, and they absolutely would have tried to rip off what Aerosmith was doing at the time.  They might have even scored a hit, but it would have amounted to whatever Bad Company did in the eighties, which is to say if you have a Brian Howe album of Bad Company I can pretty much guarentee you’re a fucking loser.

Led Zeppelin fans are so pathetic they sit around and watch that godawful Unplugged concert they did in the 90’s and act like it’s not embarrassing.  Like they didn’t just see Eric Clapton and Tesla strike Unplugged gold and come out of retirement to make a quick buck.  That Unplugged concert might be single most boring thing that ever happened to rock n’ roll.
Also, you have hard rock stations who (in a big deep radio voice) “Get The Led Out.  It’s Tuesday, it’s the Day for Led Zeppelin Now!” It’s radio stations “Getting the Led Out” that had driven them directly into the fucking ground.  It’s why cars are being manufactured without FM radios.  It’s nothing to be proud of to “Get the Led out.”  What I’m saying is I’m pretty sure Led Zeppelin sucks so bad they might have killed radio.  I think that’s on them.

I said they might have three good songs so it’s up to me to try to name them.  “Gallows Pole” is good.  “Baby, I’m Gonna Leave You” is good.  Hmm, I would say “Immigrant Song” but now when I hear it all I can think about is Jack Black making a stupid face.  I’d say “Rock N’ Roll” but now all I think about when I hear that is cars zooming around in a desert.  No, they actually don’t have 3 good songs.  I can only name 2 good ones.

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