This is the script I wrote for the 2022 Bartell Ball Drop Blitz. Unfortunately due to Covid, the performance was cancelled, but I wanted to share the script I penned for a piece named “The Creature”
The Creature – by Jon Rowe
A one act play to be written, rehearsed, and performed in 24 hours.
Characters
Rad Baron– Jason S. Eastern European supervillain known as The Rad Baron, (Real name Baron Boris Borscht) feared from Vladivostok to London, he is a supervillain with the power of radioactivity. He wears Oven mitts.
AAA (Triple A) – Vi Delacy supervillain known as Triple A super-billionaire. (real name Alex Atlas Arnosian) The first non binary billionaire The bankroll of the former team-up. They have so much money, they use technology to defeat all foes. Is normally calm, cool and collected, but can snap at a moment’s notice. Success lead them away from the team-up.
Creature – Amber Di Petro The shared creature between the two. It is very hyperactive, and it has led to a lot of problems with the shared custody due to its many needs. Does not have volume control, it is treated like a human child, but does not act human. Any time the creature is not actively participating in a scene they are fidgeting, and acting like a wild animal. Tearing things up etc.
Script
Waiting Room for Mediator’s office, 3 chairs, a small table with some magazines, tissue box, etc. Rad Baron and the creature enter. Creature on leash, like one of those leash children, if possible
Rad Baron (he and the creature move to sit at the waiting area, and the leash is undone)
Receptionist said it would be few minutes.
Creature (fidgeting but following instructions)
Minutes!
Rad Baron
Enjoy magazines (motions to the magazines on the table for the creature) (sees AAA enter) AAA, late as always, will miss meetink again!
(Creature begins perusing the magazines, messily, appears to smell and question whether these are food or not)
AAA (almost as if on cue, enters hurriedly on the phone)
Yes, I know the damage reports are not good! (pause) no, the flying cars division is the future of the company! (pause) I don’t think that the president will…
(Creature begins imitating AAA on the phone, curious)
(pause) congress is involved? (pause) Well what happened to the stock price? (pause) NOTHING!.. NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE AUTOPILOT CRASHES!!! WE WILL WORK OUT THE BUGS! I have had enough of this whining sheila! Feed her to the drones. (pause) I don’t care! (pause) (notices Rad Baron and creature) … I have to go, let’s reconnect at 18:00.
Rad Baron
AAA, late as usual. Is creature not important enough to be punctual?
(Creature returns to ruining magazines)
AAA
Let’s not get into this now, we are both here to get counseling. Let’s save this argument for Dr. K.
(Creature is loudly eating magazines at this point)
AAA
Why are we even here?
Rad Baron
Book says that this is one of the most important times in young creature’s life. They will be going to high school this fall, and home situation must be sorted out for best chance at future.
(Rad Baron and AAA both look over at the creature, smiling)
Rad Baron
Do you remember when we found it?
AAA
Terri Firma right?
Rad Baron
Yes, that earth witch! Ruining the fracking wells with her trees…
(Flashback)
(back when AAA and Rad Baron were in a super villain duo)
AAA
(evil supervillain laugh) Muahahaha! Terri Firma! is defeated!
Rad Baron
The oil will run to Moscow again! No longer will industrious power of mankind be crippled by the likes of the earth witch!
AAA
Hear this! This is what happens when you stand in the way of the titans of terror! When you try to stop the progress of the human race!
(Soft crying is heard)
Rad Baron
What was that?
AAA
It is some kind of creature… over there. (picks up stuffed animal creature)
What do we do with this?
Rad Baron
We can’t just leave it here. It is all alone
(creature coos in delight as it is being cradled)
AAA
No…, what are we? Evil?
(Pause, this is a hilarious joke! Rad Baron and AAA look at each other)
Rad Baron & AAA
(Maniacal Laughter) MUAHAHAHAHA!
(End Flashback)
(they return to the waiting room chairs)
AAA
Oh my god, I had forgotten how cute it was!
Rad Baron
Was?
(They both look over to a very not cute, almost savage creature picking apart magazines in a feral way)
Rad Baron
You are still my little babushka baby! (proud papa voice)
AAA
Ha! Like you have any time to wrap them up in a babushka, what with your campaign against planet boy in full swing! When is the last time you had the creature at your Strontium Stronghold? 2… no what… 3 months?
Rad Baron
Things have been very busy! I don’t have time to baby-sit! Stronghold is a dangerous place for a creature… wait.. who brought them in today?! Not you with your corporate meetings taking up all the day!
(creature begins imitating the two again)
AAA
Those meetings put food on the table! A growing creature needs to eat at least 2-3 people a day! What do you think… that people grow on trees!?
Rad Baron
Ok… (stands up, angry throws hands into the air) what do you think, I am stupid? Stop talking to me like I am child!
AAA
(Notices the oven gloves for the first time)
What the heck are those?
Rad Baron
(hides hands, embarrassed)
Nothing
AAA
Oven gloves? Really? Is that where your costume is at now?
(creature returns to destroying office table/magazines)
Rad Baron
You know I need to wear protection in public! Gamma radiation from my pinky alone would drop bear dead in seconds.
AAA
What happened to your lead gloves?
Rad Baron
They were… consumed
(Creature belches)
Rad Baron
This is all I had lying around! What do you want? Radiation sickness? Lawsuits?
AAA
Fine fine fine, sorry I brought it up.
Rad Baron
We didn’t have time for breakfast, we were in rush. Planet Boy is stalking me I think.
Creature
PLANET BOY!
AAA
That will do it.. You can’t miss a meal… It really does have quite the appetite. Remember Gaia Gal?
Creature
Meal!
Rad Baron
Oh yes!!! Great Triumph!
(Flashback)
Gaia Gal
I should have known this was the work of the titans of terror!
AAA
You shall not stand in the way of progress! This endangered bird sanctuary is full of rare earth metals, and you will not stop us from taking them! The future of mankind depends on it!
Rad Baron
Silly flower woman! You underestimate our power! We are no longer a duo.. But a trio! (holds up stuffed animal creature) We are the Titanic Industry Trio!
Gaia Gal
You cannot drill here! We must protect every creature on this planet!
AAA
Well then… say hello to this creature!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Rad Baron
MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
(creature is thrown onto Gaia Gal and a fight ensues, Gaia Gal is horribly mauled by the creature, as she screams in terror and dies)
(Flashback ends)
(Back in the waiting room Everyone is silent looking at Rad Baron, even the creature has stopped fidgeting to look)
Rad Baron
I know I know.. The name
AAA
Titanic Industry Trio?
Rad Baron
What do you want, I came up with on spot! I am not some kind of Improv comedian!
AAA
T. I. T. yeah.. That will look good on a t-shirt!
Creature
(yelling) T. I. T.! T. I. T.!
Rad Baron
Oh, I am sorry, I am not a famous billionaire marketing genius
AAA
(very pleased with themself) The very first non-binary billionaire, thank you very much! I assume you saw the money magazine article?
Rad Baron
Ah yes, the rare earth metals, making batteries, so exciting! (spits) Is trash! Does battery burn skin off of enemies?! (raises fist of radioactive fury!) Cause irreversible radiation sickness?
Creature
Enemies!
AAA
Here we are again with the nuclear power crap… get with the 21st century Boris! Nuclear is out, clean power is in! How do you think that we paid for creature’s private school.. You weren’t complaining when those batteries paid for the creature’s tuition!
Rad Baron
Oh yes, the private school that they flunked out of! There is no way that they will succeed with you filling their head with all of your bourgeois nonsense Alex!
(Flashback)
(Baron and AAA are tucking in the creature to bed, telling it a story, while it gnaws on a pillow)
AAA
You are my special little creature
Creature
(mouth full of pillow)
CREATURE!
Rad Baron
Make tonight’s story a short one, creature has history test tomorrow. Good night my little babushka baby (Rad Baron leaves)
Creature
HISTORY!
AAA
United States History eh? Well…
Creature
(interrupting) TOMORROW!
AAA
Yes yes, hush, I know, do you want to hear the real history of the USA?
(creature is ignoring this, gnawing on pillow)
AAA
You see, the founding fathers were freemasons, and formed the illuminati. The current government is just a front for the real ruling class!
Creature
FRONT!
AAA
And you’ll be part of them someday too, my sweet creature! There is so much you need to learn about how the world really works.
(Flashback ends)
Rad Baron
The illuminati? Really?
AAA
They had to learn sometime!
Rad Baron
In fifth grade!!?
AAA
I wouldn’t expect you to understand
(phone rings)
Just a moment. (Pause) Yes? .. Uh huh. But the other 50% survived, yes? (pause) Well, we are still above our target goal. How is the PB situation? (Pause) Yes! (Pause) No. (Pause) Yes.
Creature
(interrupting and talking over AAA, going crazy)
YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO!
(creature is having a fit at this point tossing magazines and things around)
AAA
Sorry, I have to go!
(sets phone down on table, and they grab the creature by the shoulders and calm them down, still fidgety, AAA gives the creature their phone, this seems to work as the creature plays with the phone a bit, like a toddler)
Rad Baron
You can’t even get away from work for 10 minutes, you need to interrupt our therapy session with a business call. When did it become all for money? After Gaia Girl? When you bought out Tesla? Did a hostile takeover of Amazon? You lost your passion for the cause!!! All you care about are profits and…
AAA
Yellow. Belt.
Rad Baron
Don’t you even
(creature eats the phone)
AAA
Yellow Belt, Karate Exam… Where were you?
Rad Baron
You know I tried to make it.. But Planet Boy!
Creature
PLANET BOY!!!
AAA
Planet Boy this, planet boy that. Excuses! Were you on another one of your “missions” then? The creature was devastated!
(Flashback)
(Creature and AAA are in a karate studio, with Sensei Brad, creature is sniffing around nervously)
AAA
I know that he isn’t here. I am sorry.
Creature
Isn’t here!
AAA
I know, I know (caresses creature’s head). But you have to do your best, always.
Sensei Brad
Is our student ready for the final challenge?
Creature
CHALLENGE!!!
Sensei Brad
Are we ready for our breaking test?
(Sensei brad holds up a board)
Sensei Brad
Student, are we ready!?
(creature is not really paying attention and looking around)
Sensei Brad
(holds out board ready for strike)
Remember your form!
(creature takes interest, smells board… this appears to upset the creature greatly, goes from calm to violent like a light switch)
Creature
(screeching! Attacks Sensei Brad, a scuffle ensues, and Brad is down, creature begins eating brad)
AAA
Yes honey! You did it! Yay!!!!!
Creature
(stops eating for a second) YAY!!!!!
(AAA grabs sensei’s belt and hands it to the creature)
AAA
You are my special little creature. I know Boris loves you too… even if he couldn’t make it today…
(hugs creature, who is not very interested in hugging)
(Flashback ends)
(creature is sniffing around, appears to be gnawing on something, has a bone or arm or some sort of body part it found offstage during the flashback)
Rad Baron
That is cold, colder than baltic sea in January
AAA
You. Weren’t. There
Rad Baron
I wanted to be there.. But Planet Boy… he destroyed my Atomic Sleigh. I couldn’t get there
Creature
Planet Boy!
AAA
If you would just let me upgrade you to one of my flying cars, you wouldn’t have a problem anymore.
Creature
Sleigh!!!
Rad Baron
Yes creature, I prefer my sleigh to one of your death traps.
AAA
Death trap? One of the hundreds of millions I have sold! Need I remind you that it was the best selling car in quarters 1, 3 and 4!
Rad Baron
Money! Again! That is what it is about huh! Money! Did you forget what we started for? A glorious future for industry and all mankind! That was the Titans of Terror stood for
AAA
I have actually brought the world a glorious future! Flying cars, space travel, turbo tubes!
Rad Baron
For the bourgeois! We wanted to change the future for ALL MANKIND!!!
(standing up, getting into rant mode, creature takes notice and begins imitation)
We stood for a glorious technological future for all, not for the elite ruling class scum!
Creature
SCUM!!!
(creature coughs up phone)
Rad Baron
You are completely out of touch with reality! Two weeks ago, I took creature on a camping trip, and they didn’t even know how to open a simple can of beans! What have you been teaching them? They know nothing of the people’s struggle. You have infected their mind with the bourgeoisie dreams of the upper class scum that you have become!
AAA
That is not fair! The turbo tubes are very affordable!
Rad Baron
It is all about profits for you! What about the people!?
AAA
And what people are you helping? All hidden away in your Strontium Stronghold, ranting about ideals and policies. You have done physically nothing to help people! You rant and rave, send out your newsletters, and pretend you are actually doing something! When is the last time you leveled a forest? Hmm?
(Creature is interested in something off stage)
Rad Baron
IT is that damned Planet Boy! (spits) He refuses to see the rich radioactive power of a nuclear dawn! (unsheathes his hand from the oven mitt, he is in awe of his own radioactive power!)
Creature
Planet Boy!
AAA
And why do you think that I am on that phone so much? You act like I don’t have problems too. That Planet Boy is trying to get congress to shut down my autopilot program! While you are off fighting ideological superhero battles, I am actually battling him in the courts!
Creature
Sleigh!
Rad Baron
And you trust the American justice system to hand you a victory? You are more out of touch than I imagined.
Creature
Victory!!!!! (crashes through a window outside)
AAA
Creature!! Now look what you have done!
Rad Baron
How this is my fault?
AAA
You got them all hopped up on ideas, ranting and raving about the bourgeois, teaching them nothing about how the world actually works. Results, profits, quotas, lobbyists, quarterly earnings!
Rad Baron
And you refuse to teach them any practical skills, being waited on hand and foot in your space mansion! All you care about is your company, and the news articles, interviews, the fame, the fortune!, you’ve lost touch with the real reason we created the Titans of Terror in the first place!
To advance glorious industrial future of mankind! (shaking radioactive hand in triumph)
AAA
(noticing something on the muted TV in the waiting room)
What is that?
Rad Baron
Where is clicker?
AAA
Here (pushes button on remote)
TV Reporter
This just in, reports of a slaying in downtown New City. It is a truly horrible scene here.. Body parts everywhere, i can barely think of the words to describe the horror (Pause) Just a moment… (Pause) I am just getting word that some creature has gone on a rampage in downtown New City. (Pause) Oh no, just a moment… (Pause) With a heavy heart, I regret to inform you that it appears that this creature has killed our beloved Planet Boy, and has disappeared off to parts unknown.
AAA
Oh, my special little creature!
Rad Baron
Little Babushka Baby…
(The door opens, receptionist)
Receptionist
The doctor is ready for you now.
Rad Baron
Alex, the past is the past, planet boy is gone, you are right. I got so caught up in my own rhetoric that I forgot who our true enemy was.
AAA
Boris.. You are right too. I got too caught up in all of the celebrity, and lost sight of our true goals. It is clear that we work better together than apart. I am looking forward to working together… but we have to change the name.
Rad Baron
That we can agree on!
(Rad Baron ensures his oven mitts are on tight, AAA picks up their regurgitated phone, and they go into Dr K’s office)